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Seven Years

9 Jun

Yesterday was the seventh anniversary of Barbara’s passing. I noted the date with no fanfare, no tears, no breakdown. As I write this, I’m coming to realize that maybe, just maybe, I am recovering. I am far from fully recovered, of course. I truly believe that one never fully recovers from the unexpected loss of a loved one, particularly one you considered to be your “soul-mate”.

It has been said, ‘time heals all wounds.’ I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But it is never gone. – Rose Fitzgerald Kennedy

Truer words were never spoken. Today, the scar tissue is stronger than the wound. It could still tear wide open tomorrow, or the next day. There will always be a risk of that wound being torn asunder.


The Grieving Room: I Guess I Made It

6 Jun

Crossposted from The Grieving Room at Daily Kos by wyldraven

On the eighth of June, I will mark the one year anniversary of Barbara’s death. I still don’t know exactly how I will do so. Anecdotal evidence indicates that most spouses who survive the first year as a widow/widower will continue to live a normal life span. Point in fact, death from broken heart syndrome is rare.

A special welcome to anyone who is new to The Grieving Room. We meet every Monday evening. Whether your loss is recent or many years ago, whether you have lost a person or a pet, or even if the person you are “mourning” is still alive (“pre-grief” can be a very lonely and confusing time) you can come to this diary and process your grieving in whatever way works for you. Share whatever you need to share. We can’t solve each other’s problems, but we can be a sounding board and a place of connection.

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Of friends, family, weddings, and backboards

25 Apr

Recently, I attended the wedding (“for all time” hand-fasting actually) of a couple who were more than mere friends. Barbara and I had known them for as many years as we had known each other. We had become close enough that we thought of them as family of choice, beyond mere friendship. Attending their wedding was a really big deal for me, in more ways than one. Continue reading

Checking In

25 Dec

An online friend (no link, she’s not out to everyone) wrote recently about her journey into womanhood, and the progress she was making. Her post prompted me to reply with my own update. Her post is friends only, so I thought I should share those thoughts here as well, for those (if any) who are following my journey. Continue reading

Like a bad penny

13 Dec

I just won’t go away and stay away. A lot has happened since I last visited with you, some good, some not even close to good. That relationship I was losing? Yeah, I lost it. I suffered a nervous breakdown, or as my psychiatrist called it, a “medicine induced bi-polar episode”. Continue reading

Decision time fast approaching

5 Oct

I’ve lived these past few months on auto-pilot, and that simply doesn’t lend itself to the effort and energy required to “be” Janet on the outside. I’m not happy, and I don’t really feel like I will ever be happy again. In a recent conversation with someone who knew me before the loss of B, I finally said out loud what has run around in my subconscious for months now. I told her “Janet is dead. She’s buried with B.”

I think it may be time to bury Janet. Without B, I simply don’t have the courage or the strength to be Janet. I haven’t shaved anything in weeks. I don’t leave the house alone by choice at all. I go pick up paychecks twice a month, but only because my employer doesn’t offer direct deposit. I occasionally leave with the wonderful people who came to be with me and help me get through this.

Truth be told though, I am losing my relationship with them. I know the fault is mine. Like Jimmy says in “Margaritaville

Yes and some people claim that there’s a woman to blame
But I know it’s my own damn fault

I may not be drinking margaritas, but I am wasting my life away. And in the process, I am alienating everyone I care about.

So it’s time for me to seriously consider whether I can even sustain one life, much less try to live two. Goodbye for now. Until I reach a decision, you won’t be hearing from Janet any more.

Dinner out, and good conversation

6 Jul

Hey, I live a not terribly exciting life right now, but at least I am still trying. Continue reading

I haven’t written much …

20 Jun

I had such big plans for this blog. Then life, or should I say death, got in the way. Almost two weeks ago, I lost the one true love of my life. She had been fighting a long term illness, and finally could fight no more. Continue reading

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