Decision time fast approaching

5 Oct

I’ve lived these past few months on auto-pilot, and that simply doesn’t lend itself to the effort and energy required to “be” Janet on the outside. I’m not happy, and I don’t really feel like I will ever be happy again. In a recent conversation with someone who knew me before the loss of B, I finally said out loud what has run around in my subconscious for months now. I told her “Janet is dead. She’s buried with B.”

I think it may be time to bury Janet. Without B, I simply don’t have the courage or the strength to be Janet. I haven’t shaved anything in weeks. I don’t leave the house alone by choice at all. I go pick up paychecks twice a month, but only because my employer doesn’t offer direct deposit. I occasionally leave with the wonderful people who came to be with me and help me get through this.

Truth be told though, I am losing my relationship with them. I know the fault is mine. Like Jimmy says in “Margaritaville

Yes and some people claim that there’s a woman to blame
But I know it’s my own damn fault

I may not be drinking margaritas, but I am wasting my life away. And in the process, I am alienating everyone I care about.

So it’s time for me to seriously consider whether I can even sustain one life, much less try to live two. Goodbye for now. Until I reach a decision, you won’t be hearing from Janet any more.

Advertisements

2 Responses to “Decision time fast approaching”

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. Tweets that mention Decision time fast approaching « Adventures Of An Aging Transwoman -- Topsy.com - October 5, 2010

    […] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Janet Anne , Raven Xanadu. Raven Xanadu said: RT @JanetAnneT: Decision time fast approaching – http://bit.ly/aaN2XQ #lgbt #trans […]

  2. Like a bad penny « Adventures Of An Aging Transwoman - December 13, 2010

    […] A lot has happened since I last visited with you, some good, some not even close to good. That relationship I was losing? Yeah, I lost it. I suffered a nervous breakdown, or as my psychiatrist called it, a […]

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: